Archive for the ‘WTF’ Category

Exercise your masterbation muscles

Tuesday, July 28th, 2009

shakeweightWell here you have it Timmy, yet another pile of crap piece of exercise equipment sure to make you look like a complete tool. I give you the ShakeWeight. Now in theory I can see how this silly thing may provide a good workout and may even have some benefit. In reality though you look like a total dweeb using the thing. Not to mention I would imagine you would be vibrating and jiggling about for at least an hour after you are done working out from all the jostling about this thing causes. Sort of like sitting on the washing machine during the spin cycle?

The worst part is the damn web site! It is uber cheesy and lame. It almost looks like a web site and product developed by The Onion. You have happy toned women gladly holding onto a throbbing cylinder as is pulsates and pounds back in forth between their firm grip. This thing looks like it really pumps back and forth! Do you have to wear steal toed shoes? I would think this sucker winds up being dropped on a lot of toes.

On a positive note this thing will work great if you need to repack your driveway. You could even tenderize your steaks with it Timmy! Now exercise… naw I don’t think so.

I am ready to go now

No point in hanging around this planet any longer

Tuesday, July 14th, 2009

I have seen some very strange stuff on the internet as we all have. I have seen some pointless drivel that makes you wonder why anyone would ever post it much less watch it. I have see some horrors that no amount of liquor can wash from the mind.

I have however found the biggest waste of time, of bandwidth and the greatest mind stumper ever! Bar none this one is the leader! I bring you the videos of balloonboyaz. I have placed just one of the 73 he has below. That is correct Timmy this bald dude has made 73 videos of him blowing up inflatable shit, popping balloons and just in general proving beyond a doubt that he needs a god damn hobby!

I hope this guy is retarded otherwise I don’t even know what to think. But then, if he is a retard what sort of an incompetent person lets a retard play with all those popped rubber bits! He could choke! Maybe there is some strange balloon fetish I don’t know about? The most confusing part is the comments on his videos. People actually get into this shit! “You should have popped it like this” or “Man great video”. Where are the comments from those like me saying “dude throw your camera away and buy some Playdoh”.

I don’t know what to tell you this shit just ties the mind in knots. And this Timmy is why beings from other planets have not visited us yet. They are afraid they are gonna get stuck with this dude as an ambassador!

I think the human brain is malfunctioning

Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009

dumbI have no solid evidence but I am pretty sure the human brain is malfunctioning and preparing for meltdown. I thought in the good old USA we were making dumb laws and doing dumb things at an alarming rate. We seem to enjoy making everything illegal and slowly pushing everyone into their home and under their bed so we can better control them. Well it seems the same is happening all over. This little ditty is about the pub laws in Britain. They have so many permits and laws in regards to pubs the owners don’t even know if they are legal or not! For example you need a permit to play music, another to allow patrons to play dominoes. Then if people may watch the domino game you need another permit to allow for that! What kind of stupidity is this?

So I am pretty sure we have evolved to a point that we just want to control every little part of every person’s little life because of course no one is smart enough to make their own damn decisions. We as a human race are so very very dumb, and doomed.

Burger King is bat shit crazy

Tuesday, April 28th, 2009

I get to use my new favorite phrase again! Yippy!

Burger King has done some crazy ads in the past and nothing has changed there. Every since that creepy ass big headed “Burger Kind” costume started appearing in commercials they have gone crazier and crazier. Now they have gone plumb full tilt bat shit crazy with booty dancers flashing square asses all over? I just do not get it. I like it, I just don’t get it.

I can not wait to see what craziness they come up with next. They are smart I will give them that. If you create commercials people talk about people start looking for them on the web and that is free advertising in many cases!

Eminem sucks but…

Thursday, April 9th, 2009

I really can not enjoy Eminem’s music one bit. His voice does nothing for me and the music is just high speed tinker box noise. I can never tell what the hell he is saying. He blabbers on so fast and jumps from one thing to another so quickly it is like having an oratory seizure.

Is he Slim Shady, Eminem or Marshall Mathers? Who the hell knows! He may not even know. Does a person really need an alias for their alias? I mean he is not 007 after all. Basically his music bugs the shit out of me. I feel like I can not breath and all I want to do is scream. I am pretty sure he has some valid points he is trying to make and I even bet I would like his perspective if I could just avoid passing out long enough to tell what the hell he is saying.

Anyway I apparently once again have become a video blog so below is his most recent video. It is very entertaining and I love the characters he has created. I would however recommend turning the sound off! Maybe someone else will take his video and put some understandable music behind it. Then it might be enjoyable as a complete work. As it is this video is a great comedy sketch with no dialog. I bet the deaf fans love the shit out of it.

What the hell is wrong with Joaquin Phoenix

Monday, February 16th, 2009

Joaquin Phoenix is the dude that played Johnny Cash in the movie Walk the Line. He was also in one of my all time favorite movies The Village. I guess I just thought he was your typical good looking actor of decent caliber with a stable mind. I may have been wrong.

Joaquin Phoenix appeared on Letterman on Wednesday and looked to be totally out in space. He had a shaggy beard, messed up hair and dark tinted windshield sized glasses. He gave one word answers and just in general was a terrible guest. Man he is just messed up! What the hell is wrong with him?

He claims in this video that he is giving up acting. I think that may be for the best. He has obviously given up on being a human.

Worst date ever!

Thursday, February 5th, 2009

And you thought you had some bad dates!?! I bet you never woke up all cut up like a loaf of bread. This dude was lucky to have woken up at all! The worst part is the girl is pretty hot. Nothing like what you would think a knife wielding psycho path would look like.

Very short story here.

Dude just had a few beers, went home with a hot chick for a little nooky and then wham be gets all sliced up.

So I guess the question is: Now that you know this would you still have drinks with her and invite her in for a little fun time?

Look at that hat!

Monday, December 29th, 2008

Ah the strangeness that is the internet. Just when you think you have seen just about every possible variation of face plant, the lowest college prank, the best high school drunk picture, the most expensive car in a swimming pool, the most obscure worthless product, the most racist ignorant redneck alive, the strangest head scratching web page, the most pointless blog, or the biggest possible breasts in the world something new and strange pops up. The best part of the internet is that it is so easy and cheap to let your brain dribble all over every computer screen in the world!

Just because you don’t have hours to waste and creative energy to burn does not mean everyone suffers from the same. I say keep the odd, pointless, and strange coming! With that I bring you Oh my god look at that hat. It is pointless, fun, silly and completly safe for work. Embrace the pointlessness Timmy… embrace and become one.

Santa is out to kill Bambi and friends

Wednesday, December 24th, 2008

I am not against hunting. I think some of the best grub comes out of the woods and a lot of it has fur! I am just not sure Santa should be a hunter? I mean if the Amish eat their horses they are going to be looked at a little strange. If dog sledders eat their dogs they will be thought of as barbarians.  Santa needs reindeer so I don’t think he should be out hunting any deer!

But lets be nice and assume Santa is just a regular Joe the Plumber and likes a good venison roast as much as the rest of just. Well he sure as hell should not be out hunting in his Santa garb right? Not only is Santa hunting in the below Christmas card but the weaselly bastard is baiting as well!

“Come on Bambi Just a little closer. There you go, enjoy the corn and apples Santa brought. Now Santa is going to leap out from behind these pretty snow cover rocks and slit your throat. If I can get one of your little woodland friends as well we will make stew!”

The below card was sent this holiday season and I am just not sure hunting and Santa mix? The card is designed or produced by the NRA but I think they are just not sending the right message here?

Santa Kills Bambi

Santa Kills Bambi

Fear the catapillar

Wednesday, December 3rd, 2008

Great now I have yet another thing to be terrified of! I thought invasion of the body snatches was scary. Now I have to tremble every time I see a caterpillar for fear they will wrap me up in a blanket of death. The image I posted is but a sample of all the pics from here.

Anyone got a can of Raid or a flame thrower?

This doll makes Chucky seem cute

Tuesday, November 18th, 2008

I saw the below video today and I am quite sure I will not be able to sleep tonight because of it. I don’t care what era this video is from, there is no way this commercial was ever anything but a huge child terrifying mess!

What is up with the little girls heads all snapping forward into the camera? That must be what happens after the scary ass doll possesses them. “Laughs A Lot” by Remco is not a toy I would buy for my kid. Wait a second, I don’t have kids! Lucky me, issue averted.

Your vote does not count

Tuesday, October 28th, 2008

Or at least your vote does not count for who you want it to!! This is unreal. We seem to be unable to make a machine that can accurately record a vote? How is that even possible! Imagine if every test you took in school just gave you what ever answer it wanted you to have instead of the one you gave. Hell you might have passed 5th grade Timmy!

Back when I was in school we used this thing called a pencil. We were very high tech and filled in little circles in paper that a computer then read and thus scored your paper. I am pretty sure it worked because the shit I did not know I always got “D”s on and the stuff I knew I always seemed to pass. We DO NOT have room for error on voting. Why does this shit not work? Those fancy machines that spit change at you in McDonalds and gas stations always work right. Good thing too because 12 to 18 year olds no longer can make change, for god knows what reason. The ATM at the bank always seems to work except when the bastard eats my card. But at least it has NEVER given me $80 or $600 when I wanted $40.

It really just blows my mind that we have and are looking to again send someone to the moon but we can not make a machine that records a vote correctly. So it seems my blog has become a video blog again so here is another showing this problem in action. Not only does it show the problem but once they “recalibrate” the machine it still messes up. And they try to tell you they care about your vote!!